Big Office. Little Den.

Earlier this week I Tweeted about moving furniture around in my house. We agreed that we’d turn the living room into Headquarters and both Giovanni and I would have our desks in there, along with a meeting table, a couple of filing cabinets, the printer, the fax machine, a book case and…some functional things on the wall.

And that our then-office would turn into a nice cozy Den with the armoire w/ TV inside, a bookcase, a futon along the wall beneath the window, and two comfy chairs.

This idea was a highly inspired idea that came about Monday night in the shower and I took to rearranging the furniture Tuesday afternoon.

It’s now Thursday evening and we’re still in transition.

This is quite uncomfortable for me.

I like things to be in their spots – especially when I’m going to do creative things – like any type of writing or work things. And all this stuff being out of order (and not happening on my timeline) has brought up a lot of my other Stuff.

I haven’t felt like eating. Or drinking. Or talking.

I’m kinda in a funk.

I’ve become overwhelmed with all the Stuff around me (piles of paper being the main thing…)And I’ve been finding all this old stuff that I “meant to do something with the first time around” and now that I’m rediscovering these things (like affiliate products I intended to review, and marketing ideas I intended to implement) I’m feeling guilty for not having done them…and feeling sick about all the options that there are.

So this Not-Wanting-To-Choose has manifested around my food as well as around this information I’m uncovering in The Move from office to living room Headquarters.

I haven’t known what to eat. I don’t want to make decisions about food. I don’t want to add anything into my body – especially if I have to choose it and I have to make it.

That’s why it was wonderful that my sweet neighbor invited me to her raw food un-cooking class today because I wound up being served an amazing lunch and probably wouldn’t have eaten otherwise.

As I sit here, my desk is terribly cluttered and the futon is still in the middle of the room and every amount of flat surface on the tables and cabinets along the wall are piled up with Stuff and I don’t know what to do with it all. I’m quite tempted to throw it all in a box and make it disappear. That’s what I like to do with stuff that bugs me. Just put it in a box and cover it up.  (And yes, this applies to my yucky emotions sometimes too. Especially anger. I’ve been pretty good at shoving that “in a box” and covering it up.)

But I can’t let this mess totally prevent me from doing things…

So I sat down with me, with my sunflower, and with my tea to write a blog entry even though my desk is super cluttered, and my Headquarters are still closely resembling a living room with an office in it. A classic home office as if I lived in a one room studio or something.

It’s against my nature to try to be creative when my space is disorganized…

But a mentor of mine once said that if you want to grow and evolve, you have to become “not you.”

So…

What if I’m not the person who has to have everything organized before I can be creative?

What if I’m not the person who can’t think if stuff is all over the place?

Maybe “not me” does just FINE with those situations.

Hmmm.

Actually, I feel lighter after following that train of thought like that…

What if I’m totally fine and safe and secure sitting here amongst all this disorganization and apparent chaos?

What if I’m blessed to be surrounded by so many Things that are out in the open for me to see?

What if this gives me a chance to LOVE all of my things? Like really love my books and my papers and my knick knacks and all my…Things?

What if this is what beauty looks like?

Yes. I see it and I feel it.

This room is beautiful. My desk is covered in beautiful things. Beautiful things that so many people helped to grow and create and build and produce, and I am so fortunate to have each and every one of them.

My rooms will get organized in the perfect time. And right now, it’s time for them to be like this. They’re helping me love myself and see that I’m stronger (safer and more secure too) than I thought I was.