Getting Clear About My Why

I’m the type of person who tends to want to know Why I’m doing things. (Other people need to know How, or What, or Application Possibilities.) Since I know that I’m the Why kind of person, it’s silly to ignore it.

So here’s how I use it: If I want to see something through all the way, I need to make sure I’m clear about Why I’m doing it. If I don’t give that information to myself and allow myself to connect to it, I’m setting myself up to fail. I’m not giving myself the best chance of succeeding. So I gotta be clear about my why.

I need to be clear about WHY I’m doing something. What is it that you need to be clear about before you feel good about doing things?

Another one of my non-anxiety-producing productivity tips is this one:

Putting Down The Stick

Remember the donkey withe carrot and the stick?

When I stop using the stick, it’s all different. I used to use Sticks on myself all the time. That’s how I got myself to do things. Beat myself up. Guilt myself into do it. Put pressure on myself to do things…or ELSE…all this yucky stuff would happen. That’s how I did it for years.

But guess what? I’m not willing to play that game anymore. Obviously it wasn’t working! So what if I got stuff done? It wasn’t fun and I didn’t like myself during it. I wasn’t happy. It made me physically ill. I wasn’t healthy. So that’s clearly not the right approach for me.

When I valued productivity above all else, I needed the stick.

But now, I choose feeling good over productivity . When I choose feeling good, I can’t use the stick anymore. It doesn’t go together. When I choose feeling good, I put the stick down and pick up the carrot and move toward my goals instead of away from my worries and panicky fears.

I used to use the stick but I realized it wasn’t giving me the results I actually wanted. Now I’m switching it up and putting down the stick in favor of the carrot. What’s your relationship with the carrot and the stick?

Making it inevitable.

So how do I help myself move forward without pushing myself and tying myself to my computer for days and days?

I set up conditions that will lovingly, and kindly support me in finishing The Thing.

With my recent Thing, I realized that one of the reasons it’s so hard to finish is that I’m not in communication with anyone about it. I’m not talking to my prospects in this niche. I haven’t been talking about it with my clients. I’ve basically totally abandoned the thoughts that need to be active in order to complete this project.

Now that I see that I’ve been doing this, and I see how the lack of engagement about the topic has been keeping me from being able to work toward completion, I’m setting up a condition that will make it so that I DO get that interaction on the topic of the unfinished project.

I’m creating a group teleclass coaching program so that I can talk with my people about the topic of the book I’m going to finish. That my inevitability.

By creating the class and having people register for it, I’ll have a context for opening up the topic of conversation again – both with the participants – and in my mind. And the people who pre-ordered the yet incomplete book, will get to attend this program for free.

So as I re-immerse myself on the topic of the book within this teleclass coaching program, completing the book will come naturally because I’m thinking about the topic so much more.

Again…it’s one of those duh kind of moments, but if I’m not immersed in the content for the book I want to finish, it’s going to be much harder for me to finish it.

Solution? Make it inevitable that I have some conversation going about the topic of the book. If that’s what I need in order to complete the project, then I’m going to give it to myself. That’s the domino that when it tips, the others will start tipping too. It has nothing to do with fear, shaming, blaming, pressure, or anxiety. And everything to do with being really clear about what I require so that I can give myself the conditions that will help me succeed.

What ingredient is missing in the recipe for you completing The Unfinished Thing? What kind of conditions could you set in place to make it inevitable that you’re set up for more success and have the support you require?

Saying we’re overwhelmed is socially acceptable.

“It’s all so overwhelming.”

“I have so much stuff to do.”

“Ugh. I’m overwhelmed.”

Sounds like a bummer thing to experience…

But nobody really freaks out when you tell them you’re overwhelmed, have you noticed?

You don’t get the same OMG reaction that you’d get if you told them you broke your leg or were covered in poison ivy.

But don’t let people’s ho-hum reaction to your overwhelm convince you that it’s not a big deal.

Overwhelm is a sign of serious neglect.

Self-abuse even.

Think about it…

It can cause heart palpitations, anxiety, sleep troubles, sexual dysfunction, depression, sudden changes in mood, freak out sessions. It impairs judgment and can sabotage your business success.

Feeling overwhelmed sucks. And it hurts.

<Queue the melodramatic doctor’s voice telling you all the side effects to watch out for with those new-fangled prescription meds.>

Overwhelm is a sign of serious neglect.

If we’re feeling overwhelmed, something is seriously off.

There’s more (and bigger!) stuff going on than we’re admitting.

Overwhelm doesn’t happen when there are just a few things going on…

There has to be a big huge thing we’re neglecting – which gives those other little things a place to hang out and bug us.

Overwhelm only happens when something important is being seriously neglected.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed…get honest with yourself.

What’s the Big Thing that you’re neglecting?

It’s not that you have too much to do.

It’s that there’s one Big Thing you haven’t been doing.

Have you worked on yourself so much over the years…

That sometimes the thought of doing *more* work on yourself
just seems hard, and painful so you don’t want to do it?

I’ve been there too…

But Inner Work can totally be fun!

In fact, it’s my new #1 rule for working on myself:

Only if it feels good and is fun.

Oh, and it has to be easy too…

I’m *so* done with stressing myself out about something
that’s supposed to help me be less stressed.

Know what I mean?

So I only do Inner Work that’s fun, easy, and feels good
now.

Woo-Hoo!

I love what my friend Diana said on Twitter along the same
lines:

“If you’re not enjoying your healing process, then you’re not healing.”

Yes!

Healing should feel good and be enjoyable.

So, what I want to suggest is this…

If the thought of working on yourself hurts, seems hard, or
makes you want to eat a cupcake or watch TV for hours…

The stuff you’ve been doing hasn’t actually been Healing
Work…

It’s been Stressing Work.

That’s why you still feel yucky even after you’ve done all
this work on yourself.

Ugh.

No more of that, k?

What if you choose to make sure that any Inner Work you do
from now on is fun, feels good, and is easy?

That’s what I’m all about these days…

And I’ve been having such nice healing experiences…

Like, last night I spent the evening outside in my yard…

Which may not sound like a very big deal…

But I was in the Dark.

Alone.

I used to be afraid of the Dark.

(I mean it – I’d had this low-level anxiety about it for
about as long as I can remember…)

But because of the fun new inner work I’ve been doing with
myself…

And the new inner freedoms it’s giving me…

I was able to enjoy spending time in my yard at night by
myself…

For the first time. Ever.

And it happened because I changed the way I do my Inner
Work.

I had so much fun in my Garden Lounge.

Here’s a picture of it during the day – since my
iPhone doesnt’ take pictures well at night:

The other way I’d been doing it (by stressing myself out and
overdoing it) didn’t work.

Bringing enjoyment, play, fun, and creativity into my Inner
Work *did*.

So how about you?

Are you curious about how your Inner Work could be more fun?

Are you curious about how you can “work on your stuff” and
enjoy it?

Leave a comment and tell me what you’re thinking about all this…

But only write to me if it would be fun, okay?

Ever been in a situation where someone is talking – and you don’t really want to be listening – but you think you have to? You kinda wish they would shut up, but you think you have to be polite so you pretend to listen or be interested and they just keep going on and on?

This afternoon I went to Expo West, a health food product show at a huge convention center near Disneyland and I noticed this thought related to some of the booth workers who went on and on about their product without seeming to care about whether I cared or not.

Then I started seeing this story lots of places in my life…

When people are talking, I have to pay attention and listen to them.

1. Is this true?

Seems really true. I’ve been led to believe that most of my life. Hearing things in my mind like from the movies where mean parents are saying: “I’m TALKING to you!” As if the kid has to listen.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that when people are talking you have to pay attention and listen to them?

No. It’s not a rule. I don’t *have* to. Life would go on if I didn’t.

3. How do you react when you believe the thought: When someone is talking, I have to listen to them and pay attention to them?

I make myself a victim to them. I judge them harshly and want them to shut up. I judge them for not caring about me and not checking in with me. I feel stuck, like I can’t leave until they stop talking. And because I have no idea when that might be, I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. I don’t take care of myself. I make them more important than I am.

I get in their business and worry about what they will think of me or what they will feel if I am honest and tell them I don’t want to listen or want to talk about something else or just leave or whatever. I turn them into the villain as if they have kidnapped me and then I resent them even though originally I may have wanted to talk with them.  Something changes and I don’t feel like I can get out of it. (Yucky pattern.)

4.Who are you without the story: When someone is talking, I have to listen to them and pay attention to them?

I am checking in with me and finding out what I choose to listen to. I am free enough to walk away in mid sentence if I chose to. (If I’m not free to walk out and leave, or tell them to shut up, then I’m not free to sit there and listen to them either.) I am caring about me more than I am worrying about what they will think if I interrupt them and tell them I’m not interested. I am empowered and I give myself what feels good in the moment. I speak my truth. I ask for what I desire. I make empowered requests. I take responsibility for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness and I take action to take care of me. Maybe I realize that I’m free to leave or tell them to stop talking and then I start enjoying what they’re saying and I get present and enjoy the person in front of me.

TA> When someone is talking, I don’t have to listen and pay attention to them.

1. Of course not. I don’t have to pay attention to the radio or the lyrics when I’m in the car w/people who have the radio on. I don’t have to watch or pay attention to the TV just because it is on. And I don’t have to pay attention to a person just because they are talking near me or at me or to me.

2. There are lots of times that I haven’t totally paid attention or listened to someone and life is still going on. It is not the end of the world. Even tonight at the expo I wasn’t paying great attention to everyone who was talking with me or around me. It is okay…only the thought that I have to be listening and paying attention that makes the experience bad and uncomfortable.

TA> When people are talking, I need to be paying attention and listening to me.

1. For sure. This one is really where it’s at. What do I need in that moment? Am I still interested? What’s on my mind? What would I like to say or do? Has something changed? Can I be present with myself?

2. I can be listening to my thoughts about the other person or thoughts about what I’m telling myself I should do and then I can question them if I’m paying attention to me and listening to me. That’s really important.

3. It’s really more respectful to pay attention to and listen to me so that I can be sharing the real version of me with others instead of them getting the “fake” me that is pretending to be interested in them. At least I can live an honest life and give people the honest me.

TA> When people are talking, I GET to listen and pay attention to them.

1. Yes, they are sharing their insights, understanding, thoughts, ideas, perspective, advice, etc. They are sharing. They are sharing. I am in a position to receive them and acknowledge the person in front of me.

2. The experience will show me things about myself if there are things for me to see there.

Good inquiry…ready for bed. Will be thinking of this more. It’s been deeply ingrained in the past, so it’ll be interesting to see how this loosens up.

—-> What are your experiences and thoughts on this idea of feeling like you have to listen to people who are talking on and on?

Ugh. I am experiencing thoughts that are making me feel BAD.

Here are some of them in a dump so I can see what’s what.

- No one has time for me.

- I am a burden.

- I need help.

- I feel funky.

- This is bad.

- I am a mess.

- Nobody loves me.

- I am worthless (Getting to the bottom of the barrel of these yucky thoughts here…)

- I don’t deserve help.

- I may as well just shrivel up in a corner and die. (Okay. I’m at the bottom.)

The point of getting to the bottom of the Yucky Barrel is to make sure that everything that wants and is ready to be expressed CAN be expressed and DOES get expressed. Otherwise, it stays inside unsaid and that just creates more problems.

So the next part of this method that I learned from my friends Steph & Todd is to work my way up the list from the bottom and creates New Choices for each of the yucky things I dumped out. So I ask myself:

Instead of experiencing “thing from the Yucky Barrel list”, what would I rather experience? What’s my new choice?

So instead of: “May as well just shrivel up in a corner and die..”

My new choice is: I am grateful to be alive and I love my life.

It’s basically a version of a turnaround or opposite or something positive about ME that feels better and is more empowering. The reason I’m making this new choice is for my subconscious (who doesn’t know the difference between real and imaginary) so I’m giving it a new positive message which is at least as true (if not more true) than the yucky one that I wrote down…and it definitely feels better.

So here’s my rewritten list of new choices. (I’m going to keep them in the same order as the list above, but I’m going to work my way up from the bottom so that the last one I write a new choice for, is the first one that I dumped in my Yucky Barrel list.)

My New Choices Are…

I am fully supported and have everything I require.

I am a blessing and I belong.

I have everything I require and I am cared for.

I feel clear and happy and at ease.

I experience goodness in everything I do.

I am beautiful and I have a wonderful life.

I am loved.

I am worthy and I am good.

I deserve to receive help and it feels good.

I am grateful to be alive and I love my life.

– Wow that sure feels nice to read.

And Now That All This Is True…

Now it’s time to crank up my Imagination to level 11 and imagine my life 3 years from now.

I’m going to imagine that all those new choices are true…and have been for the last 3 years. So I’m going to re-read the list of new choices and read them out loud and say:

“Now that 3 whole years have passed and all these things are true…(Read each item from the list out loud so that I can hear them and feel them)…and I’ve been experiencing those things the entire 3 years…

What day of the week is it?

Sunday

What time of the day?

6pm

Where am I? Inside? Outside?

Inside a restaurant with friends. There are nice table cloths and candles and a beautiful ambiance in the restaurant. It’s pretty busy, but it’s not super loud. Somehow it’s easy to have conversation and also enjoy being around people. I am with 3 of my girlfriends.

What am I doing there?

We are dressed up to celebrate one of our friends’ birthdays. We have presents on the table and we’re all wearing fancy blouses/dresses.

What am I wearing?

I’m wearing a satin-like type of emerald green loose spaghetti strap top with some sexy black dress pants and awesome cute sandal heels. It’s warm enough that I don’t need a jacket or anything. My hair is down and I have on some dangling earrings that I really like too.

What part of the meal are you guys having? (Here I can just ask questions to get more details. The more details the better because it makes things more vivid in my imagination.)

We’re having the dessert part and she’s about to open all her presents. I had like a berry sorbet type of thing with a little chocolate ball truffle type of thing on top. It is super refreshing and I love the tall dish that it came in. We are all having so much fun and we’re all great friends.

How are you feeling at this dinner party for your friend’s birthday?

I’m so happy and grateful for my life. I love my friends and I’m so glad we could all get together tonight for the celebration. We have great balanced friendships between all of us and we love each other very much. We’re like family.

Just as your friend is about to open the gift that you gave her, your server comes over and has a little envelope decorated with flowers on it and it has your name on it. She gives it to you and said that someone dropped it off for you. Who is it from?

I know right away from looking at the handwriting that it’s from Jessica – the young girl who lives near me that I’ve been mentoring and taking care of. I’ve been helping her for the last 3 years (she’s 13 now). She’s such a great person and I love her so much. She knew I was going to be out to dinner with my friends for the birthday party so she must have ridden her bike to the little place we’re at to drop this off for me. How sweet. All my friends think it’s super sweet too because they all know Jessica and love her too.

What does the letter say?

Well, I am tempted to save it and read it later after the presents were opened, but my friends encourage me to open it then. So I open it up and it reads:

Dear Mona -

Hope you’re having fun at Sara’s birthday party and aren’t eating too much chocolate. If you have extra, just put it in a to go bag for me. haha

I just wanted you to know that I love you and I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. You’re such an amazing person and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. Really. I know I’m not good at expressing myself sometimes with words, but tonight I felt like trying. You have made such a difference in my life and I love you.

Thank you for believing me!

Love,

Jessica

P.S. I’m so excited to go to the beach with our bikes this weekend. That’s going to be awesome.

How do you feel reading the note?

I read it out loud to my friends and they all go Awwww and add confirmation that it’s really great what I’ve done with Jessica and how I’ve been able to support her and make a difference in her life and what a great girl she’s become. They are so supportive me and love Jessica also. I feel blessed. I feel a little choked up. I feel warm inside and I feel so happy. My life is beautiful and I’m surrounded by so much love. I smile and tuck the note away in my purse and then text Jessica a quick note: Thank you for the sweet note! I love you too. xoxo

Then what happens?

Then Sara opens all her presents and it’s so much fun. One of our friends is an artist and made a little porcelain gift that is beautiful.

What happens when Sara opens your gift?

Her eyes get bright and wide and she’s so happy to open the little purple box. Inside are some silver bangles I brought back from my trip to Thailand. They have beautiful designs pressed into them and she LOVES them. She puts them on and starts modeling her hand and I love seeing her enjoy them. I smile big and clasp my hands together in joy that she likes them so much.

(As Sara is opening the last friend’s gift, you start thinking about how great all this is…and how 3 years previously you were going through a totally different experience. You start reflecting on what changed.)

What did you LET GO OF that allowed you to be at this place in your life with your friends at this birthday party?

I let go of being a burden and thinking I’m a mistake.

What did you LET IN that allowed all this to happen?

I let in: I deserve a good life and I am a good person.

(Now I say it aloud 3 times: I deserve a good life and I am a good person.)

I feel a lot better now. Ahhh.

Okay…

Heard from Larry Winget on Twitter about this commercial:

larrywinget TV commercial: Coach to girls hockey team, “You played like Olympians, now let’s go eat like Olympians.” Then they go to McDonalds. Right.

GRRR!

I wrote back to him:

@larrywinget Ugh. Knowing that commercial exists pisses me off right now. Thanks for giving me something to work on. Stuff’s gotta change.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!

1. Is that true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (What’s the reality?)

3. How do you react when all that stuff is happening and you believe the thought: It shouldn’t be happening?

4. Who would you be, knowing that all this is going on, if you didn’t have the thought: This shouldn’t be happening?

Taking a deep breath. I would get back in touch with myself. I didn’t even see the commercial that was mentioned on Twitter. I have no idea if it was really on. But that’s besides the point. Even if it was on…it is not my business who decides to go to McDonald’s after watching it.


People are going to go to McDonald’s today like they have since the 1950′s or whenever it opened. It is part of this culture. It’s like some people are going to ride bikes today. Some will fall. Some will drive cars. Some will crash. Some will eat at McDonald’s, others will eat other things. Everything is in perfect order like that as it has been forever.


I would be more in my business again. I would go get my fresh juice this morning and appreciate it. I would take care of me. I would not worry about what others are doing with their bodies right now. I have enough to look at with my own body and bringing it back to vital health after my recent health issues. I would feel loving again.

I would be glad that whoever went to McDonald’s was getting something to eat that they wanted. That they could afford. That made them happy. That helped McDonald’s make money so they could do their McDonald’s house charity for cancer or whatever it focuses on. I would be grateful again.


I would be glad for the Olympics that they have a big name sponsor who can help them get more attention. That makes me happy for the athletes who have worked their whole lives to get to where they are and by McDonald’s partnering with them, more people around the world will tune into the Olympics possibly to see these great athletes and celebrate their lives and their hard work. This is a beautiful thing. That commercial is great in that way.

TA> This should not be happening (in my thinking.)

For the last several days, I’ve woken up, gone outside with my green smoothie and a notebook and questioned one of my thoughts.

I’ve been working with the same thought every morning – though I apply it to different situations where it has fit in my life.

It’s this thought:

This shouldn’t be happening.

It covers a lot of territory. Pretty much any time I’m upset – about anything – in anyway – it’s because I’m believing some kind of version of this thought.

And each time I’ve questioned it over the last several days, I’ve learned something new (and beautiful) about myself and my life.

Tomorrow morning, if things go as they’ve been going, I’ll question the belief again while squatting outside in the sun with my water and smoothie. I write my inquiry in a pink spiral notebook that I got from Staples and I write slowly and deliberately with a ball point pen.

Tonight, before I go to sleep I’d like to question the thought also:

—> This shouldn’t be happening.

1. Is it true?

Yes.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

No.

3. How do you react when you believe the thought: This shouldn’t be happening?

I feel left out. I compare myself. I see myself as alone and on the outside. I feel like I’m missing out. I create pictures in my mind of all the things I’m missing out on. I am afraid to show up and participate. I let my stories about other people scare me into not taking action. I go into their business and imagine them telling themselves bad stories about me. And not wanting me. And hoping I will go away and never come back. I make me into a monster in their mind, and then they become monsters to me. It’s very sad to be believing this. I don’t trust what’s going on. I think I know better. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I get afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.

4. Who would you be without the thought: This shouldn’t be happening?

Grateful that it is happening. And so much of it without me. I have had other things to tend to. I have been quite busy in fact. I am actually so happy that it is happening as it is and I have not had to do anything to make that happen. What a gift that is. Really. I did not have to think about it or be creative or come up with ideas or troubleshoot or give feedback or any of it. It has happened like magic and it’s so good that it did. I was free to do all the things that I was doing and continue to do. It is so good! And I continue to be spared because I have other things I require tending to still. I would bless what’s happening and open my heart to it. Love it. Appreciate it. Admire it. That’s a big change.

TA> This should be happening.

a) Yes – it’s actually so cool that it did because it’s supporting me in taking care of me. It happened the way it did so that I could do what I did.

b) It’s so good that it’s happening. I’m in an amazing place in my life. And if all this had not been happening the way it did, I can’t know that I would be in this same place – which I am really loving and enjoying. My life is so good and I’m so happy and appreciative.

c) It is happening. There it is. Right in my face. I see it. It’s real. It’s happening. It should be. I get it. Thank you for being there.

TA> This should not be happening (in my thinking.)

The only *problem* here is that my thinking is telling a story about what shouldn’t be going on, when it actually is going on. It’s just a little glitch. Reality happening the way it is is totally good and okay. I love that I found the gratitude for it in question 4.

So the thing happening in my thinking could be seen as the thing that shouldn’t be happening. I’m supporting myself in having a cleaner, clearer mind by questioning it and making space for new possibilities. Being less rigid about claiming to know what should or shouldn’t be going on in the world. I can be more of a witness. And this thing should definitely be happening – because it is. And it is good.

What is the thing you think shouldn’t be happening in your life or in the world right now?

How might it be better for you that that thing actually *is* happening?

It’s Valentine’s Day…do you have plans already?

I was wondering if you’d like to get together and question some of our stressful stories about love and relationships…

So I’m holding two free Valentine’s Day Inquiry calls today…

One in the morning and one in the evening.

(You’re welcome to come to one or both.)

We’ll be questioning stories like:

• I shouldn’t be alone.
• My partner shouldn’t have done/said that.
• Relationships are hard.
• Valentine’s Day is stupid.
• I need a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.
• My partner is annoying because…
• I’m not lovable.

Basically it’s a BYOST party…

“Bring Your Own Stressful Thoughts” party…

So jot down some of those yucky, sad, depressing thoughts about love and relationships and we’ll question them and get some feel-good-clarity instead.

Sound good?

Details for the free Valentine’s Day Inquiry calls are below…

I love you -

Free Valentine’s Day Inquiry Calls

Date: Sunday, Feb. 14th

- Morning Call: 10 am Pacific (11
Mountain, 12 Central, 1 Eastern)

- Evening Call: 6 pm Pacific (7 Mountain,
8 Central, 9 Eastern)

Phone: (605) 475-4825

Access code: 1064758#

No need to RSVP…just bring your lovely self and maybe some warm tea.

P.S. I went to the dollar store last week and bought a stick with a red sparkly styrofoam heart on the end of it. It makes me smile and I’m going to be holding it during our calls today.