So I’ve had this new blog for 3 days and already I’ve managed to: (in no particular order)
- Get lots of great welcomes and celebrations
- Talk about abortion, cookies, and mice all in one post.
- Refresh my page frantically like a rat trying to get more cocaine
- Question what my “voice” is and how I want it to come out
- Feel excited about showing up in my life and being seen for who and what I actually am
- Post a picture of a baby laying face down its crib in a not-so-comfy looking position
- Ruin my productivity by blogging in the prime hours of my work day
- Feel confused about how to name the categories on my blog – then decide it’s just lame
- Compare myself to some very well-established bloggers and feel stupid and wrong
- Consider quitting the whole thing and setting a little bomb to my Word Press account
Quite an eventful 3 little days for this blog, eh?
And a lot of stuff coming up for me…
Confession: I feel a little like Doogie House, MD right now. (Blast from the 80′s)
So I just took a deep breath and I’m going to take a look at some of this stuff that’s been coming up. Especially the comparision piece of it because that’s something that creates a lot of pain in my life no matter what topic it’s around.
One of the things I’ve been noticing is how my stuck stuff is really just a collection of other thoughts and words and pictures in my mind that have all jumbled together in a terrible math equation that means that ________ + __________ = yuck.
So me doing something new + comparing myself to others = yuck.
That’s one equation.
Me doing something new + not getting results that I want = yuck.
Me blogging + not getting comments = yuck.
Me putting myself out there + nobody writing back = yuck.
So I’ve got stuff around each of the components:
- Doing new things
- Comparing myself to others
- Blogging
- Putting myself out there
- Expectations not being met
- Not getting comments
- Nobody writing back
These are the pieces of my equation that, when combined in certain ways, make my life miserable. It’s not an intentional thing. It’s just what happens with the way these things are arranged in my subsconscious and the meaning I’ve given to each of them.
So let’s take the first one: Doing New Things
Here’s the dump of everything negative that comes up when I think about doing new things:
- It’s scary.
- I shouldn’t do it.
- Better to stick with things I know.
- I need to be safe.
- I don’t know what to do.
- I’m not going to be good at it.
- People will make fun of me.
- I’m not good enough.
- I’ll make a mistake.
- I need to excel.
- I hope I can do it.
- I’m nervous
- I doubt myself.
- I’m a loser
- I don’t deserve friends (This is where it starts bottoming out.)
- I’ll be alone
- People will talk about me behind my back.
- I am shameful.
- Curl up in a corner and die
Phew. Giving myself some love for following that out to the yuckiest of the yuck. So those are the parts of the equation that basically show that in my mind, on some level, doing new things = curl up in a corner and die. That’s the fear that my mind sees…so no wonder “stuff” is coming up here with this new blog.
So I’m going to work with this pattern (that’s all this is – one big huge pattern) and give myself something new to experience. I’m going to rewrite my sentences from the bottom up into something new and empowered.
This part is powerful because I’m bypassing the rational mind and speaking just to the subconscious part of my mind which doesn’t know the difference between past or future. It thinks everything it’s thinking about is thinking right now. So I’m speaking to that part of the mind that has been scaring itself with those other stories and I’m sharing some empowered things with it.
Starting with: curl up in a corner and die…and going up the list.
- I am proud to stand up and I am alive!
- I am proud of me!
- I am loved!
- I have lots of friends!
- I am worthy and I am good!
- I am awesome!
- I believe in me!
- I am confident!
- I know I can do it!
- I am already whole and good!
- I do a great job!
- I am awesome!
- I am respected and I am inspiring!
- I create great things!
- I know exactly what to do!
- I am already safe and secure!
- Doing new things is fun!
- I love doing new things!
- Doing new things feels good and I like it!
Okay…another deep breath. Taking in all the new things and realizing that I feel much better now after focusing on these stories. Which are also all true. I just haven’t been paying attention to them as much. So getting reconnected with those is awesome.
And…since I’m all about feeling empowered and realizing where I’m in control of my life instead of feeling like a victim to it, I’m choosing to create some new ways of doing things with my blog that support me in feeling empowered in my whole life. That’s my new intention here. And the #1 thing it’s going to involve is no blogging until it’s dark. Then I’ll have fun after the sun goes down.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Just stoppin by to say
I LOVE YOU!
Mwah!
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one obsessing about my new blog. I’ve had my blog for a month now and some days I can’t go more than a few hours without checking the traffic stats or rereading old posts for grammatical errors. Personal blogging is a much more psychologically investing activity than I thought it would be. I’m learning a lot. One beginner to another, welcome to the club.
I love this post by the way! Great job!
That’s one of the perks of personal blogging – knowing ourselves a bit more personally than we did before! It’s really seeing ourselves “out there” and looking at ourselves, eh? Thanks for sharing your own experiences. I just made a rule with myself (which feels good, not restrictive) which is that I only write blog posts after the sun goes down. Now that I think about it, I might need to have that include not writing COMMENTS while the sun is up too, but for now, it’ll just be writing actual posts. See ya again soon!
@Laura Wow – if you stoppin’ by means I’m going to get lots of I LOVE YOU’s…I’m happy to have you anytime. I’ll have some lemonade for ya next time. With a sprig of fresh mint from my yard.
Hey, sweet exercise!! I will do it right after commenting
How did you decide to blog about your personal life and make it public? I mean, instead of blogging about your professional life. I’ve always been afraid of it coming back to bite me in the butt–if I reveal I’m feeling lousy and decide to take a mental health day, say, a client may feel like I’m an unfit choice for him or her because I’m lazy or unstable. Or knowing I’m a borderline vegan or animal activist or atheist may repel people because of their prejudices. Who knows? At the same time, I probably wouldn’t want to work with these persons anyway. But will I always be able to afford this choice?
Also, you’re braver. Or maybe I’m more introspective. Or both. Lately, I’ve been working on myself and reaching peace by painting. Good stuff. Still working on it, though, since I’ve always done a ton more writing than drawing/etc.
I already feel cozy reading this blog. Truly awesome.
@Natalia: Oh yeah. It can totally be scary. And what I’ve noticed is that paying attention to my own process and sharing it publicly on a blog like this has only ever endeared people to me more.
Sure I go through doubts and stuff, but when I blog about them, my clients tell me it actually helps them. They get to recognize themselves in what I’m going through and they get to love themselves a little more this way.
All those things you’re afraid people will use as reasons not to work with you (animal rights thing, atheist, etc.) are the exact things that will actually attract all sorts of other people to work with you. It’s actually a good thing that some people won’t want to work with you. That’ll leave room in your life for your just-right-clients as my friends Molly Gordon and Mark Silver like to say.
And if you choose to blog about it and work through those fears about being an “out” animal activist, vegan, atheist, whatever…you’ll probably learn a whole lot about yourself that will help you be more present with your clients later on.
Plus – you don’t have to blog right away about all the deep stuff you’re experiencing. If you started a blog where you were going to share personal things, you can start where you are. You don’t have to jump into all the craziest stuff that goes on in your mind. Blogging for me, is a form of self-care in a way. So I do what feels right. If I’m not ready to blog about something, I don’t. No forcing going on over here.
Happy painting time to you! I’m glad to hear you feel cozy here on my blog…glad you’re here.