If this blog were a “real room” like the Emerald Green & Timid Lilac room I had when I was 15…
This entry would represent me – totally coming in and flopping down on the bed with a big pillow pulled to my chest and burying my face in the sheets.
I feel like doing a belly flop on my bed and burying my face in the sheets until I fall fast asleep.
So, what brought me to want to plop face first into my bed?
Some thoughts like:
- I spent too much time on my new blog today.
- I did something wrong.
- That’s why I didn’t get comments.
- I shouldn’t have started this blog.
- I’m lame.
Basically I experienced a swooshing of doubt today. Doubt about whether I’m doing the right thing with showing up out loud again. Doubt about whether I’m strong enough. Whether I have enough to share. Whether it’s of interest to anyone – or everyone is so crazy-bizzy that they don’t have time or room in their lives for yet ANOTHER blog to read. And who cares what this one voice in California has to say anyway?
Is the doubt recognizable?
Confession: I had a blog a few years ago and was very active with it – and felt amazingly free and open with my life – until some less-than-lovely experiences came up and they left a seriously bad taste in my mouth about being in the spotlight and letting my goodness shine through. Ugh.
At least I’m recognizing that that’s part of the issue going on here. Seems to be coming up so I can heal it and move on. Kinda like my friend Andrea who told me that after she did a skydive and the parachute didn’t open all the way, after she healed up from her non-critical injuries, she immediately got back up in the plane and did it again so that she wouldn’t continue to be terrified by it.
Apparently blogging is one of those things that I gotta get back into to heal some old stuff and show myself that I’m strong enough and can do it and that it’s okay to be *out there* and sharing myself fully.
Since I’m bringing my awareness and self-introspection to my blogging, I see that it will (once again) be healing and growth-promoting and all that good stuff that helps me stay connected with the best version of myself. So this is good.
Ahhh. Deep sigh.
Now I’ll go get horizontal with a slightly lighter heart…
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Mona, yes, all those thoughts sound familiar.
I am looking forward to more entries here as awaiting entries here have always enjoyed and gotten a lot out of your insights.
oops – didn’t check the edit before submitting.
Hi Mona,
As for me I am soooooo busy with the end of the school year I’m not sure which way is up. I hope to get back to working on myself the first of June when school is over.
Hi Mona! I was hopping over here to say thanks for stopping by my blog, and I find something in your post that resonated with me… “who cares what this one voice has to say anyway?” The question pops up in my mind once in a while, but you see, things like inspiring you to do a few minutes of Shiva Nata before watching a movie make it all worthwhile! I’m sure your posts will inspire lots of people, and remember: for the few who will tell you, there’ll be many more who will have been reading and appreciating silently. And that is one of the reasons why I so appreciate that you took the time to let me know you were inspired by my little post!
@Rachel: Oh yes! The end of the school year craziness. You’re doing such a good job. Hang in there and reach out for support when you need it. Remember to breathe (I’m going to also) and enjoy these last few weeks with your kids. These little precious ones will remember you for the rest of their lives. I had one of my students from my first year of teaching 3rd grade find me on FaceBook. She’s a nurse and she’s married! And she totally remembered me with good-times and happiness.
@Josiane: You’re awesome for coming back and telling me how my comment impacted you…and I see that it’s also related to the post that I just wrote about how everything has side effects. It’s okay if no one reads. It’s okay if some people read. It’s okay if no one comments. Or if lots do. They’re all side-effects, consequences, reactions, or impacts from taking action and posting a blog entry. And sometimes other people let us know if they were impacted and from there, other things get impacted. Ohhh…it’s so cool. Thanks for being here.
Hi Mona
I believe I found your blog through The Fluent Self.
I empathize with your anxiety, absolutely. It’s tough. I started a blog and then made it anonymous. And when I start one that I can put my name to, one that can be consistent in theme, regularity, and so on, I guess I’ll do it. But still, it will be hard, precisely because of anxieties like the one you have written about.
So IMO, having a blog at all is admirable. And making your anxieties public, well, that’s laudable. Very brave.
And that photo is adorable