I used to be the kind of person who would hear an idea that sounded good and then would run blindly toward it to be part of the “obviously good idea” (OGI) because it was so…good.
My rationale was that being on the side of the “obviously good idea” would make me a Good Girl – and that used to be very important to me.
I felt a little twinge of “I Wanna Be A Good Girl” this morning when I read about this “OGI” here from Deepak Chopra about taking a vow of nonviolence, in your speech, your thoughts and your actions.
But this time I didn’t run blindly into the Obviously Good Idea because I’ve come to realize that everything has a side-effect.
Everything.
Go to Borders and read this. It's cute!
It’s like this children’s book: If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.
It starts out like this:
If you give a mouse a cookie…
(Next page)
He’s going to ask for a glass of milk.
(Then it goes on from there about what’s going to happen if you give him a glass of milk…and on and on.)
It seems like, suuuuuure!
Of course it’s a good idea to give the mouse a cookie. Who doesn’t want to watch a cute little mouse eat a cookie, right? Sofa King adorable.
So in the book all these “side-effects” start happening…which creates more adorableness (especially if you’re reading it with a 5 year-old who thinks it’s all hysterical.)
It’s a cool book because while it’s funny to watch the chain reaction, we (as the reader) also get to look at the situations in the story book and consider whether we’d like the results that come.
Sure, there lots of side-effects that are great:
- I love that a side-effect of getting into my bed is that I wind up feeling comfy.
- I love that when I jump into the ocean, the side-effect is that my whole body feels slippery with salt water.
- I love that when I push the keys down on my computer, the side-effect is that my thoughts come out and I can see them.
- I love that the side-effect of pushing my gas pedal down is that I go faster on the highway. Zoooom!
But each of those things has other side-effects that I usually don’t consider because I’m so focused on the short-term (positive) side-effect. Know what I mean? Sometimes we don’t consider the side-effects because they would make the Obviously Good Idea seem not so good anymore – or we don’t think far enough into the future to consider the impact of our actions in the present moment.
Example time…
I grew up believing in pro-life.
Of course I wanted to make sure that babies weren’t being killed and that they had a chance to be born and have a life.
That’s was an Obviously Good Idea to me based on the information that I had at the time.
But it wasn’t until years and years later…until I was about 27, that my eyes were opened to the side-effects of what having a pro-life only stance can have.
When abortion is made illegal, there are side-effects from that.
Yes, more babies are given a chance at life and more babies are given up for adoption possibly which makes lots of families who want to adopt very happy…yay for them!
But what also happens as a side-effect is that more women wind up getting unsafe abortions where sometimes both the mother and the baby wind up dying…
And there are young girls trying to give themselves abortions and they get seriously injured because there’s no safe place to go to take care of themselves.
And while yes, more babies are given a chance at a life, the *quality* of that life may not be ideal…
Young girls who “shouldn’t be raising kids” wind up with kids and they don’t know what the hell to do with them or how to take care of them. So the babies wind up being raised in poverty.
So there is a trade-off for everything.
Everything has a side-effect.
And the more objectively we can look at how our actions and beliefs and even our non-action (which is a form of action) affects the system of our humanity or our planet…the better off we’re all going to be. That’s how I see it.
Like when a pebble is dropped into a pond, the ripples from that event affect much more than just the area where the pebble was dropped. The ripples aren’t personal or good or bad. It’s just a matter of realizing that they’re going to ripple out in concentric circles and things are going to be affected by them in some way.
What I value in my life now is being able to see things from multiple perspectives.
Can I understand as many possible scenarios as I can? Can I understand where both sides of the political world are coming from? Can I understand where I’m coming from and where my partner is coming from when we don’t agree on something? Can I see what we have in common?
How about with Deepak?
If I take the “vow” of non-violence with Deepak Chopra, what impact will it have on me? On my relationship with myself? On my relationship with my partner? On my business? What impact will it have on Deepak’s mission? On the planet?
Deepak Chopra’s “Obviously Good Idea” about taking a vow of non-violence so that we can create world peace and have a less violent world, got my Good Girl mind very excited to do it…
Here’s the thought flow I noticed:
Me: I agree. Being non-violent is good! I’m going to sign up and take the vow.
Me: Wait a minute, I do have violent thoughts, speech, and actions sometimes. What if I wind up using this “vow” to be mean to myself about being mean to others or in my thoughts? That’s going to suck.
Me: Yeah, but there’s not going to be anyone patrolling you. It’s okay if you don’t get it right 100% of the time with the non-violent thing. Just taking the vow will make you more aware of whether you’re being violent or not…so that’s going to be improvement.
Me: I don’t want to let Deepak down. When we were at the book talk with him on my birthday last year, he said not to take the vow unless you were really serious about it; that it was a life-long commitment. As if by taking this vow of non-violence I’m going to be stuck in this cycle of beating myself up when I don’t do it right. As if just by saying one thing: “I take the vow” I’m committing myself to a life of paranoia about what my thoughts, words, and actions are doing. I’ve been there before with other inner practices and I don’t want to go there again.
Me: You’re taking this way too seriously. It’s just about opening your mind and bringing more awareness to being non-violent. You’re freaking out about it for some other reason. Some old pattern of yours.
Me: Yeah, you’re right. I’m reacting to this in a big way. Since it doesn’t feel super kind to me to sign up for the vow and commit to being non-violent in my thoughts, actions, and words…I’m not going to take the vow. I’m going to respect the space and leave it for others who *do* feel ready to make that commitment. And if they’re not ready, but they feel like doing it anyway, they can. I love them. And I love me. And I trust me.
I am good even when I don’t jump into “Obviously Good Ideas.”
So there we have it.
I’m not signing up or taking the non-violent vow because – right now, it would actually be a form of violence toward myself to sign up. Also noticing: One of the side-effects of all this talk about Deepak, the vow, abortion, impact, mice, and cookies has helped me be kinder and more non-violent toward myself today. Sweet.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi! I found you through Havi’s site, where you made a great comment about an octopus.
Then I read this post and it was even better. So, I just wanted to say: hi, you’re awesome, I’ll be back.
mona, this was one sweet post!! reading about how you “work” through your mental dialogue to reach a comfortable position (non-violence toward one self) really helped me understand my own mental-dialogues, and how i can listen and use it to guide toward a better solution to a problem. and what a blessing. ur blog post was really a blessing for me. thank you!! and please keep them coming!
will
Whoa. You just kind of blew my mind with the One Good Idea explanation. Seriously, thank you for this. Short-term vs long-term, big-picture vs. little-picture…Yes! Now I want to go get the mouse and cookie book.
Lots of love, ~Eileen
Glad you became open to the pro-choice option. Have you read Freakonomics? Fascinating argument about abortion! Abortion=fewer babies raised in poverty and/or unwanted, people who typically turn into criminals later in life=lower crime rates. It’s an argument backed up with facts, of course.
But yes, everything is more complex than one can initially tell.
And true, taking the nonviolence vow when not ready constitutes a violent action toward yourself. Awesome to make the connection and point that out.
@Eileen: Ooo…mind blowing is good. And totally safe – just so ya know.
@Natalia: My sister really liked Freakonomics and told me about it. Sounds like I’d find it interesting based on what you’re sharing too. Tonight I went to the beach at midnight with my neighbors. I’m open to seeing what the “consequences” of that action will be. Everything has side effects. One might be that I’m tired in the morning. We’ll see!
@Willie – So glad you stopped by from Havi’s blog. Please come by as often as you like. I’ll leave out some special lemonade for you. I make it with an orange, lots of lemons, and some vanilla agave. It’s super refreshing. We can put it on ice too.
@Will: I find dialoguing with myself to be good stuff. Helps me see everything that’s going on. If seeing mine helped you be kinder to yourself or understand yourself more – that’s a beautiful thing. Thank you for telling me. Truly.