Ever been in a situation where someone is talking – and you don’t really want to be listening – but you think you have to? You kinda wish they would shut up, but you think you have to be polite so you pretend to listen or be interested and they just keep going on and on?
This afternoon I went to Expo West, a health food product show at a huge convention center near Disneyland and I noticed this thought related to some of the booth workers who went on and on about their product without seeming to care about whether I cared or not.
Then I started seeing this story lots of places in my life…
When people are talking, I have to pay attention and listen to them.
1. Is this true?
Seems really true. I’ve been led to believe that most of my life. Hearing things in my mind like from the movies where mean parents are saying: “I’m TALKING to you!” As if the kid has to listen.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that when people are talking you have to pay attention and listen to them?
No. It’s not a rule. I don’t *have* to. Life would go on if I didn’t.
3. How do you react when you believe the thought: When someone is talking, I have to listen to them and pay attention to them?
I make myself a victim to them. I judge them harshly and want them to shut up. I judge them for not caring about me and not checking in with me. I feel stuck, like I can’t leave until they stop talking. And because I have no idea when that might be, I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. I don’t take care of myself. I make them more important than I am.
I get in their business and worry about what they will think of me or what they will feel if I am honest and tell them I don’t want to listen or want to talk about something else or just leave or whatever. I turn them into the villain as if they have kidnapped me and then I resent them even though originally I may have wanted to talk with them. Something changes and I don’t feel like I can get out of it. (Yucky pattern.)
4.Who are you without the story: When someone is talking, I have to listen to them and pay attention to them?
I am checking in with me and finding out what I choose to listen to. I am free enough to walk away in mid sentence if I chose to. (If I’m not free to walk out and leave, or tell them to shut up, then I’m not free to sit there and listen to them either.) I am caring about me more than I am worrying about what they will think if I interrupt them and tell them I’m not interested. I am empowered and I give myself what feels good in the moment. I speak my truth. I ask for what I desire. I make empowered requests. I take responsibility for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness and I take action to take care of me. Maybe I realize that I’m free to leave or tell them to stop talking and then I start enjoying what they’re saying and I get present and enjoy the person in front of me.
TA> When someone is talking, I don’t have to listen and pay attention to them.
1. Of course not. I don’t have to pay attention to the radio or the lyrics when I’m in the car w/people who have the radio on. I don’t have to watch or pay attention to the TV just because it is on. And I don’t have to pay attention to a person just because they are talking near me or at me or to me.
2. There are lots of times that I haven’t totally paid attention or listened to someone and life is still going on. It is not the end of the world. Even tonight at the expo I wasn’t paying great attention to everyone who was talking with me or around me. It is okay…only the thought that I have to be listening and paying attention that makes the experience bad and uncomfortable.
TA> When people are talking, I need to be paying attention and listening to me.
1. For sure. This one is really where it’s at. What do I need in that moment? Am I still interested? What’s on my mind? What would I like to say or do? Has something changed? Can I be present with myself?
2. I can be listening to my thoughts about the other person or thoughts about what I’m telling myself I should do and then I can question them if I’m paying attention to me and listening to me. That’s really important.
3. It’s really more respectful to pay attention to and listen to me so that I can be sharing the real version of me with others instead of them getting the “fake” me that is pretending to be interested in them. At least I can live an honest life and give people the honest me.
TA> When people are talking, I GET to listen and pay attention to them.
1. Yes, they are sharing their insights, understanding, thoughts, ideas, perspective, advice, etc. They are sharing. They are sharing. I am in a position to receive them and acknowledge the person in front of me.
2. The experience will show me things about myself if there are things for me to see there.
Good inquiry…ready for bed. Will be thinking of this more. It’s been deeply ingrained in the past, so it’ll be interesting to see how this loosens up.
—-> What are your experiences and thoughts on this idea of feeling like you have to listen to people who are talking on and on?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Mona,
Good piece!
That’s the problem with most sales situations. People talk at you instead of trying to figure out what your problem is. No wonder people get turned off and walk away!
A good conversation gives and takes from both sides with deep listening. I took this listening class about 15 years ago. One of the best classes I ever participated in. None of us could listen at the beginning. Oh, we heard, but listening is a completely different skill.
If someone is speaking on and on, I will pipe in before the second “and on …” and say, “can I say something here?” Your time, my time — it’s valuable. Time is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. You’re right that it’s important to respect it.
Sometimes I’m guilty of not listening deeply to what another says. It’s often because I’ve got something “looping” through my head. If I’m aware of this, I try to focus on what the person says, asking questions, etc.
Even though I took the six week class, my mind can still wander off some where!
Thanks! Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
Giulietta the Muse´s last blog ..Three keys to success and happiness!
I can imagine that listening class was eye (ear!) opening…cool stuff.
I totally know what you mean about the thought looping stuff that can keep us from being able to listen. When that happens, I either require giving voice to that loop to take care of myself and be honest that I’m not actually available to listen right now for whatever reason…
Or it would be helpful to mentally acknowledge the loop and let it know I can take care of it later b/c right now I’m attending to this person in front of me and choose to listen to them with full attention.
Either way, it’s always about what’s going inside of me…so the lesson I’m getting reminded of is to check in with me often – especially when I’m having a conversation with another person.
Thanks for contributing to the conversation here, Giulietta~ xoxo
I was just talking with my mom about this very topic the other day. We came to the conclusion that it’s ok to not listen. It’s ok to respect your time enough to let the other person know, as Giulietta mentioned.
Sweet Spring Blessings!
Jhanna Dawson
Mona,
It’s a sales situation. You appraoched them. You wanted information. That is the OBJECTIVE of the interation. There are always objectives of interactions.
There are also styles of interaction. some people like to tell a story. some like to relate to themselves, others relate to other people, some peole are long winded, some people prefer messages to be straight to the point.
Some people offer good body language/paraverbals as feedback, others people like to use words. Some people offer words that contradict their body language. some people can’t read body language or listen well.
Perhaps you could just develop your skills. Yawning, looking at your watch, false smile: break away techniques, instead of listening astutely and letting people think you are interested.